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A Therapist's thoughts on the film, Hope Springs.

Preliminary note:  I have been meaning to get this blog published for months now.  My apologies it's so late. When I originally wrote this the film was still in theaters, it's now on DVD.  :-)  Hollywood has had its hold on couples and their therapy process for decades. However, it is only recently that I have paid much attention to it.  As a couples therapist I knew that I had to view this film for analytical purposes.  So, I for our latest date night my husband begrudgingly accompanied me to witness Steve Carell play the role of "the shrink." The film addresses the Question, "Can passion and intimacy last in a long-term marriage?"    Kay, played by Meryl Steep and Arnold, played by Tommy Lee Jones sleep in separate bedrooms. He's dull. She's passive.  She makes him the same eggs and bacon for breakfast EVERY morning.  He watches golf.  She reads.  They hardly ever talk and NEVER touch.  Everyday is Groundhog Day for this distant couple until the loneliness gets to be too much for Kay.  Without giving the movie away I will share my thoughts as I sat through this film. My  judgement is that Hollywood actually did it's homework and provided the viewer with a authentic view of what myself and colleagues "REALLY" see in our offices.  Your not going to walk away with a "cheesy" and false interpetation of what couples therapy is all about.  I was most impressed with how their therapist used soft and direct confrintation in session to allow this couple to look in the mirror at what they both were doing when they were at their worst. They couldn't escape his gentle, yet profound approach of asking them to change the ways in which they were approaching one another, particularly in the bedroom. Real life examples and struggles are entertainingly revealed.   All-in-all, women will probably enjoy this film more than men.  Women will encourage their girlfriend to see the film, men most likely won't think twice about it.  However, if you do get a male friend to see it with you, please let me know your feedback if you have a moment to do so.  There is a lot to take and digest from experiencing how Hollywood has changed it's perspective on couples counseling. Happy Viewing!

10 Ways to Make Your Marriage Great

Couples are repeatedly asking me, "What can I do to make my marriage better?" This question has lead me to compose today's blog.  Couples are coming in hungry for tasks, lists, and assignments that they can do to take responsibility to make their marriage more satisfying.

In his Book, Married to Distraction,  E.L. Halloway creates a list of ways to relish and enjoy what you already have.  I think this list is practical and especially helpful to those who have been married for some time now and yearning for a spark to ignite connection and intimacy.  This list is not all-inclusive; rather I've choose items that I've witnessed result in notable relationship growth. I have added various comments to let you know my clinical thoughts and relevance to my work with couples.  I welcome your feedback and questions so feel free to send me a message or make comments. 

1. Set in motion the cycle that drives love.  First, "PAY ATTENTION!"  
As I've said in earlier blogs, turn off all your electronics and begin to give your partner the undivided attention he/she deserves. Attention is the key to romance's door.

2.  Spend time together.  
Duh?   

3.  Develop empathy by asking questions and listening to answers.   
Let's develop a culture of curiosity in our marriage. By doing this alone, you will build a ever-strong connection.  Your mantra can be, "More Curious, Less Furious."

 4.  Play.  Play is the action of love.  Disinhibited and free, let yourselves play together. 
Amen! If your clueless as to how to play with your spouse, here's a little help.
Arm Wrestle, create something together out of Play Doh, play music chairs while listening to your wedding song, play duck, duck, goose, go outside and find snails together, create a fort out of your living room furniture, etc.....  Play ignites a part of our brain that is often malnourished. 


5.  Build boundaries to avoid interruptions. 
Again, don't answer your phone on date night.  If we don't set boundaries, we are walking right into combat without a weapon.

6.  Avoid making psychiatric diagnosis such as narcissist, passive-aggressive, and obsessive compulsive.  Describe, don't diagnose.    
These terms are inappropriately used in my office more often than not.   Let your therapist do their job that you are paying them to do. If you spouse is truly a narcissist, they need long term therapy as well as support at home.  


7.  Learn how to forgive.  Forgiving simply means not carrying anger around for a long time.  It does not mean you condone the bad deed.  
Forgiveness is the antidote to passive aggressiveness and the substantial work required for mending from an extramarital affair.

8.  Make time for sex. 
Yes, I know putting "sex" in your icalender seems a little over the top.  But trust me, if you know that your going to get lucky at 9pm every Thursday, the anticipation  gives you something to be excited about.   Why not schedule it?  Isn't it a priority?

9.  Divide labor evenly, trying to have each person do what he or she likes to do or dislikes doing least.    
As a part of my work with couples I have an entire session about "chore expectations."  It's my personal opinion that chores are one of the most prevalent sources of conflict in couples married over 2 years.  

Last but not least...... 

10.  NEVER let your spouse see you roll your eyes.  Contempt breeds contempt.   
As one of the pioneers in relationship research, John Gottman has become known for his confirmed hypothesis that contempt is the number 1 predictor of divorce.  Don't do it.  Contempt expresses disgust and hatred for your partner.  

It is my hope that this list invites you to practice ways of making your marriage great or even slightly better than it is today.  If you do find that these items work, let me know.  I love to receive feedback as to what has worked well. 



 

 

Mom's vs Mom's.....Who's corner are you in?

We have moved from the battle of the sexes to the battle of the moms. Working and nonworking mothers are dueling it out in PTA meetings over who's the better parent and who has a better sex life.   

Working moms are overwhelmed with "the office," yet feeling guilty for not being at home making PBJ's. Nonworking mothers are physically exhausted by 2pm and feel ashamed when they make a purchase solely for themselves.  i.e. Purchasing that Coach purse you've been eying for over a year now. (Yes, you do deserve it!)

In my practice I have had the pleasure of listening to both "types" of Mom's.  Mom's who only come into therapy to get 50 minutes away from their kids and those working moms who are crying their eyes out over missing they're child's first steps while "on a conference call." 

It's no surprise that living in the East Bay is expensive. With that said, if your partner doesn't pull in a great deal of money, you must work or change your lifestyle to reflect your budget. This requires us mom's to prioritize our needs and wants and most likely, spend  A LOT less money.  It we are OK with making "sacrifices" and NOT purchasing that Coach purse EVER....then we'll decide not to work, maybe. :-) I call these mommy's the "Domestic Mommy's."  Or maybe you fall into the category I like to refer to as the "Career Mommy's"  These mom's feel accomplished and motivated while working outside of their homes.  They have made the decision to work based on the lifestyle they desire to maintain.  You better believe this mom purchased the Coach purse, not on sale and with cash.  The third catagory I call my "Dual Mommy's."  These mommy's strive for a balance of both.  These mommy's might enjoy working, even if their budget doesn't require them to OR they can't live without the Coach purse. However they know that they have to earn it with their own money.   Additionally, these mom's have the opportunity to get temporary breaks from their children while at work, thus making time with their kids something they look forward to on their days off. 

It is my goal in working with all the wonderful mommy's of the East Bay to provide an understanding of the Domestic, Career and Dual Mommy's.  You must stop the gossip over cocktails, and start empathizing.  You all work your ASSES off and deserve whatever it is that brings you joy, whether it be the COACH or the BLING!  

From one "dual mommy" to another, I give you permission to feel guilt-free.  

 

 

The Film, Any Given Sunday...Al's Not JUST Talking about Football!

My sports fan readers will appreciate this one...

In the film, "Any Given Sunday," a football coach played by Al Pachino gives an inspirational speech prior to the "big game".  For those of you who have seen this film, know exactly which "pep talk" I'm referencing.  If you haven't seen it, I've provided a link below. "We either heal as a team or we're gonna crumble, inch by inch, play by play..." This quote follows me into my professional and personal life.  It reminds me that we persevere as a team and flourish as a team.  The "inches" to be gained towards a healthy, fulfilling relationship are "everywhere around us."  It is our responsibility as a partner to grab opportunities to gain an inch, day by day, play by play.

I often imagine that I am in the middle of a couples workshop, sitting with an audience of committed couples, shouting Al's words, "YOU MUST FIND THAT "PERSON" THAT WILL FIGHT FOR THOSE INCHES WITH US, OR WE WILL DIE AS INDIVIDUALS."  Weather your "inches" to gain  are listening to your partner without defending yourself, demonstrating empathy, doing their laundry, making coffee, washing our car, or taking out the garbage; they all are all investments into bettering your relationship.  Take the inch and you will eventually gain the mile......I promise. 


 Link to Al Pachino's modivational speech.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=24QO3H8tKd4&feature=fvst

Sexuality vs Intimacy....The Paradoxical Relationship.

In my practice it is more common than not to hear couples make this paradoxical statement. "I love and appreciate my partner, but I don't desire him/her sexually." He/she is a wonderful person who is loyal, kind, and funny,etc.... but we haven't had sex in 2 months."

It's disclosures like this that have been keeping therapists and researchers up for years. More importantly, it leads us to make relationship "hypothesis" that we then try to examine and put to test with sample populations sitting on our couch. How can two people love each other but not desire each other? How come the longer we are with someone, the richer our connections, memories and rituals become; however don't find fulfillment in our sexual encounters? How come GOOD LOVE DOESN'T GET US GOOD SEX?

Well, I encourage you ask yourself this question then send me a private message should you feel compelled to participate in my little research project. Again, I, like most researchers don't have a formal documented hypothesis. Rather, I just want to "peal the layers" to see if there is a common thread to how couples answer this question.

On that note pardon the premature ending to this blog.....but Stay Tuned!

Do you Have Mommy Issues?

As a daughter of a loyal and strongly motivated woman, I write this blog with the utmost respect for my mother. My mother has taught me to keep going when presented with adversity and most importantly, that I have choices in life to learn and grow from. It is her that I initially call when my kids are sick, I have a difficult day, and most commonly, when need her recipe for fried okra. :-) All these things said, my relationship with my mother is not "issue free." We do have disagreements, arguments and differ on how to cook and clean. I think I can speak for every daughter out there that we all have those "issues" with our mom's that keep us up at night but also, remind us of who she taught us to be and NOT to be.

Enough about my mother and I. Often in my psychotherapy practice I am presented with mother-daughter relationships. These relationships are often conflicted and needing a professional third party to teach them new ways of effectively communicating with one another. I will not bore you with a laundry list of the types of conflict mothers and daughters are struggling with. Parents and their children fight for the same reasons most of us fight, with one exception.......OUR EXPECTATIONS FOR OUR CHILDREN. When presented with adversity, we expect our children to make wise choices. However, when our children's "bad" decisions outweigh "good" ones, I get called. After treating their daughters, I begin to hear statements from daughters that they are "planting seeds" with their mothers. They are approaching their mothers differently and their mothers are actually taking the time to listen and respond rather than reacting under heated emotions. Mother's are witnessing their daughters making the better choices and wanting to learn how they too can change. The good news is this... Mother's are inadvertently reaping the social benefits of their daughters' therapy.

I will end saying this; When planted in the right enviroment and maintained properly, a plant will thrive. It is my hope that more mothers and daughters can both continue to take care of one another and thrive.