10 Ways to Make Your Marriage Great

Couples are repeatedly asking me, "What can I do to make my marriage better?" This question has lead me to compose today's blog.  Couples are coming in hungry for tasks, lists, and assignments that they can do to take responsibility to make their marriage more satisfying.

In his Book, Married to Distraction,  E.L. Halloway creates a list of ways to relish and enjoy what you already have.  I think this list is practical and especially helpful to those who have been married for some time now and yearning for a spark to ignite connection and intimacy.  This list is not all-inclusive; rather I've choose items that I've witnessed result in notable relationship growth. I have added various comments to let you know my clinical thoughts and relevance to my work with couples.  I welcome your feedback and questions so feel free to send me a message or make comments. 

1. Set in motion the cycle that drives love.  First, "PAY ATTENTION!"  
As I've said in earlier blogs, turn off all your electronics and begin to give your partner the undivided attention he/she deserves. Attention is the key to romance's door.

2.  Spend time together.  
Duh?   

3.  Develop empathy by asking questions and listening to answers.   
Let's develop a culture of curiosity in our marriage. By doing this alone, you will build a ever-strong connection.  Your mantra can be, "More Curious, Less Furious."

 4.  Play.  Play is the action of love.  Disinhibited and free, let yourselves play together. 
Amen! If your clueless as to how to play with your spouse, here's a little help.
Arm Wrestle, create something together out of Play Doh, play music chairs while listening to your wedding song, play duck, duck, goose, go outside and find snails together, create a fort out of your living room furniture, etc.....  Play ignites a part of our brain that is often malnourished. 


5.  Build boundaries to avoid interruptions. 
Again, don't answer your phone on date night.  If we don't set boundaries, we are walking right into combat without a weapon.

6.  Avoid making psychiatric diagnosis such as narcissist, passive-aggressive, and obsessive compulsive.  Describe, don't diagnose.    
These terms are inappropriately used in my office more often than not.   Let your therapist do their job that you are paying them to do. If you spouse is truly a narcissist, they need long term therapy as well as support at home.  


7.  Learn how to forgive.  Forgiving simply means not carrying anger around for a long time.  It does not mean you condone the bad deed.  
Forgiveness is the antidote to passive aggressiveness and the substantial work required for mending from an extramarital affair.

8.  Make time for sex. 
Yes, I know putting "sex" in your icalender seems a little over the top.  But trust me, if you know that your going to get lucky at 9pm every Thursday, the anticipation  gives you something to be excited about.   Why not schedule it?  Isn't it a priority?

9.  Divide labor evenly, trying to have each person do what he or she likes to do or dislikes doing least.    
As a part of my work with couples I have an entire session about "chore expectations."  It's my personal opinion that chores are one of the most prevalent sources of conflict in couples married over 2 years.  

Last but not least...... 

10.  NEVER let your spouse see you roll your eyes.  Contempt breeds contempt.   
As one of the pioneers in relationship research, John Gottman has become known for his confirmed hypothesis that contempt is the number 1 predictor of divorce.  Don't do it.  Contempt expresses disgust and hatred for your partner.  

It is my hope that this list invites you to practice ways of making your marriage great or even slightly better than it is today.  If you do find that these items work, let me know.  I love to receive feedback as to what has worked well.