Do you Have Mommy Issues?

As a daughter of a loyal and strongly motivated woman, I write this blog with the utmost respect for my mother. My mother has taught me to keep going when presented with adversity and most importantly, that I have choices in life to learn and grow from. It is her that I initially call when my kids are sick, I have a difficult day, and most commonly, when need her recipe for fried okra. :-) All these things said, my relationship with my mother is not "issue free." We do have disagreements, arguments and differ on how to cook and clean. I think I can speak for every daughter out there that we all have those "issues" with our mom's that keep us up at night but also, remind us of who she taught us to be and NOT to be.

Enough about my mother and I. Often in my psychotherapy practice I am presented with mother-daughter relationships. These relationships are often conflicted and needing a professional third party to teach them new ways of effectively communicating with one another. I will not bore you with a laundry list of the types of conflict mothers and daughters are struggling with. Parents and their children fight for the same reasons most of us fight, with one exception.......OUR EXPECTATIONS FOR OUR CHILDREN. When presented with adversity, we expect our children to make wise choices. However, when our children's "bad" decisions outweigh "good" ones, I get called. After treating their daughters, I begin to hear statements from daughters that they are "planting seeds" with their mothers. They are approaching their mothers differently and their mothers are actually taking the time to listen and respond rather than reacting under heated emotions. Mother's are witnessing their daughters making the better choices and wanting to learn how they too can change. The good news is this... Mother's are inadvertently reaping the social benefits of their daughters' therapy.

I will end saying this; When planted in the right enviroment and maintained properly, a plant will thrive. It is my hope that more mothers and daughters can both continue to take care of one another and thrive.

My Cycle of Anxiety....ugh!

My Cycle of anxiety looks a little like this.....

Step 1: I get anxious because my I had a stress-filled day and NOT took time out of my busy life to take care of myself.
Step 2: I come home from work and take my days stress's out on my husband and children. As a result of my impatience, I yell, say things I don't really mean, and 9 times out of 10, someone cry's. (most of the time, ME!)
Step 3: My family avoids me or walks on "egg shells" in my presence.
Step 4: I feel more anxious because my behavior has made my family avoid me.
Step 5: Repeat step 1-4 over, and over, and over again.

Does this sound familiar?

Let me explain this precarious cycle in "psycho-babble". (Think in a circle, going clockwise)

Step 1: We get anxious over kids, work, husbands, wives, traffic, our appearance, etc.....
Step 2: We try to control this anxiety by doing something different. i.e. Yelling, avoiding, drinking, smoking, cleaning, etc. These behaviors are often our "bad habits."
Step 3: Others try to "cope" with our bad habits. (see Step 2 above). i.e. They yell back, drink more, smoke more, or worst case sennerio they LEAVE us, etc....
Step 4: It's the snowball effect now. Since others are feeding off my bad habits, I then feel even MORE anxious and maybe scared, lonely, in need of therapy, etc.
Step 5: Repeat step 1-4 with any stressful stimulus.

It often takes many years and professional help to stop this endless, heart-breaking cycle; Duh! But, I promise you, that yes, I've heard worse and yes, I know bad habits are hard to break, but IT IS POSSIBLE. Should you feel like you need to talk to someone, please do so. There are a lot of VERY experienced behavioral therapists that do this on a daily basis. I encourage you to change your approach so others don't have to suffer any longer. I did!

My iphone is killing my family!

Now, I'll be perfectly honest, yes I own an iphone and use it quite often. It's one of my daily essential tools This little 3X2 inch rectangle makes my job as mother, wife, friend, and professional easier in A LOT of ways. However, when my son tells me to, "Stop playing with your phone, mommy and play with me," I know I have a problem. I guess you could say I need treatment for iphone-aholicism.

Needless, to say, this message that my son is giving me is to STOP and live in the moment rather than in cyber-space. If I don't get off my phone, I might miss out on something really important, like my child's growth. Those moments that we as parents take advantage of and have missed out on because we have been at work or on our iphone's NEEDS TO STOP.

Trust me, I have no stock in Apple or any other companies, and I love what they have created, but come on parents.....learn the lesson that I have learned and turn off your phone every once in awhile. LIVE IN THE MOMENT NOT IN CYBERSPACE!

(and if you see me on mine, remind me of this blog)

Parenting 101

"The best predictor of how our children will function is to look at how we as parents are functioning."

I heard this recently on a U-Tube video of Treating Children of Military Families. Not only is this crucial when working with military families, but ALL families. If we are not taking care of ourselves as parents, denying what is important to our well-being and functioning to our "optimal-level" then most likely are our children aren't either. Just look at celebrity parents?

Parents, be reminded that our children are watching our every move! They want to see their parents demonstrate the "correct" messages that we are attempting to convey. NOT, "incorrect" messages. So I challenge you to ask yourself, "What message does my behavior give to my children?" If it's the "wrong" message, change your approach!

Vulnerabilty Is Essential To A Healthy Marriage

We fear and deny it's existence. However, vulnerability is what emotionally connects us to others; especially our partners. I am reminded of this in sessions with couples and while reading Elayne Savage's, Breathing Room. She brings up many aspects of our internal self that can lead to healthy or damaging ingredients to a relationship. There are many types of vulnerability, but my focus is on relationship-vulnerability. We must put our walls down and give into our vulnerabilities while our partner does the same, or else the relationship "feels" one-sided.

We dress a certain way, act a certain way, or even drive a certain car, just to mask our vulnerabilities. We do this because we think that others will love us more for this because it's what "I think people want me to be." We begin to believe the "lie" is the truth and deny our authentic self. Thus, the little girl or little boy inside gets ignored and eventually rebels, and starts drinking, smoking, or choosing other "not-so-healthy coping mechanisms.

I challenge those of you in loving relationships to slowly let the walls down and let us see who you REALLY ARE!

Is Your Marriage Child Centered?

or is your marriage "work centered," "money centered," etc... In my work with couples I have seen that marriages (and I am only speaking of heterosexual relationships at this time) that focus solely on their children and not enough time on THEIR relationship, struggle, to say the least. It is extremely important that each spouse takes the time out to say, "Hey, I need a date night with you." The message you teach your children is that a relationship between you and your partner is cherished. Remember, the greatest testimony of how we do as parents, is to see our children get into their own loving and fulfilling relationships. At that point we know we did our job, or at least we did the best we could.