Parenting 101

"The best predictor of how our children will function is to look at how we as parents are functioning."

I heard this recently on a U-Tube video of Treating Children of Military Families. Not only is this crucial when working with military families, but ALL families. If we are not taking care of ourselves as parents, denying what is important to our well-being and functioning to our "optimal-level" then most likely are our children aren't either. Just look at celebrity parents?

Parents, be reminded that our children are watching our every move! They want to see their parents demonstrate the "correct" messages that we are attempting to convey. NOT, "incorrect" messages. So I challenge you to ask yourself, "What message does my behavior give to my children?" If it's the "wrong" message, change your approach!

Vulnerabilty Is Essential To A Healthy Marriage

We fear and deny it's existence. However, vulnerability is what emotionally connects us to others; especially our partners. I am reminded of this in sessions with couples and while reading Elayne Savage's, Breathing Room. She brings up many aspects of our internal self that can lead to healthy or damaging ingredients to a relationship. There are many types of vulnerability, but my focus is on relationship-vulnerability. We must put our walls down and give into our vulnerabilities while our partner does the same, or else the relationship "feels" one-sided.

We dress a certain way, act a certain way, or even drive a certain car, just to mask our vulnerabilities. We do this because we think that others will love us more for this because it's what "I think people want me to be." We begin to believe the "lie" is the truth and deny our authentic self. Thus, the little girl or little boy inside gets ignored and eventually rebels, and starts drinking, smoking, or choosing other "not-so-healthy coping mechanisms.

I challenge those of you in loving relationships to slowly let the walls down and let us see who you REALLY ARE!

Is Your Marriage Child Centered?

or is your marriage "work centered," "money centered," etc... In my work with couples I have seen that marriages (and I am only speaking of heterosexual relationships at this time) that focus solely on their children and not enough time on THEIR relationship, struggle, to say the least. It is extremely important that each spouse takes the time out to say, "Hey, I need a date night with you." The message you teach your children is that a relationship between you and your partner is cherished. Remember, the greatest testimony of how we do as parents, is to see our children get into their own loving and fulfilling relationships. At that point we know we did our job, or at least we did the best we could.

Why do we have Affairs?

I attended a conference yesterday presented by Michael Ceo, LPC yesterday on Couples and Affairs: Managing the Clinical Challenges. Confirming my initial notion, there ARE differences in motives when looking at why men and women cheat.

In my work with couples, I have found that men have affairs seeking out their "unmet" sexual needs and women have affairs seeking out their "unmet" emotional needs. Men want to have "a good time," while women are in search of a "soul mate." Women lean towards leaving their relationships, while men don't necessary want to exit, but rather want a "temporary escape."

So, now let me make you aware of something you might not know.

There is growing scientific evidence that our brain chemistry drives the emotional urgency and intensity often felt by individuals who have affairs. Just as an athlete gets a certain "high" from the release of endorphins as a result of strenuous physical activity, this release is often experienced from the "rush" of an affair.

Again, this is why psychotherapy is crucial to those who need to "heal" from an affair. The "participating partner" can learn ways of getting these biological needs met with their spouse rather than with his/her "neighbors, co-workers, friends, etc...

For more information on Neurophysiology and Romantic Love, See Helen Fisher's book titled: "Why We Love: The Nature and Chemistry of Romantic Love.

Is Your Foundation Solid?

In my work with couples I often ask the question, "Is your foundation solid?"

By this question, I don't mean, is your homes' foundation solid, but rather is your relationship with your partner solid enough to take on adversity? Just like when your building a home, your foundation must be solid to successfully withstand a natural disaster.

If our relationship with our partners is solid, when conflict arises, we have the skills to avoid ending our relationships.

From the moment a couple comes into my office, I know what their foundation looks like, weather it's repairable, can take on adversity and withstand a natural disaster. I teach my couples skills to help repair a torn, cracked and unsteady foundation so the rest of the house, (i.e kids, work, and other commitments) don't come crashing down.

So now ask yourself, "Is my foundation solid?"

Everything we Needed to Learn, We Learned in Kindergarten....hopefully!

I have been using this saying a great deal in my practice lately. If we really really think about this analytically, it's message is profound. In kindergarten we are taught the basics of interpersonal relationships. (i.e. "Keep your hands to yourself", "Wait your turn", and the EVER-SO-POPULAR, "Treat others like you would want them to treat you."

Why is it that once we become adults, get married and become parents, that we no longer remember what we learned in kindergarten? Why do we spank our children, interrupt our spouses and children and then refuse to respect them all while treating them like "dirt?" Just a question?

We are all guilty of these shortcomings, (myself included). Let's get back to the basics that our kindergarten teacher's taught us about before nap time. And why don't we still take naps? Another brilliant concept taught to us as children that we have seemed to forget.

So after a great deal of thought and doubt, I've decided to go forward with doing a "blog." This has been an idea I've played around with in my head for over a year now. My original thoughts were something along the lines of, "Who is going to care about my insights as a therapist?" or even better, "How am I going to write about what I see in sessions while preserving my clients confidentiality?

Well, I have made a commitment, not only legally, but also ethically, to not give any identifying information about my clients what-s0-ever! As said before, this blog "serves" as an online diary or notepad, (for lack of a better word) to myself into all the insightful discoveries I have had the honor of being a part of as a therapist.

My hope is that this notepad will help couples or parents realize that they are not alone, normalize their struggles, and most of all that IT COULD BE WORSE!

With that said, ENJOY and let me know if something I've wrote about does help you in your relationships. Feedback is ALWAYS welcome.